Shit and glitter


I think I saw, or heard

that she f***ed off with a t***

But rather than a sh*****

He was sprinkled with glitter

And they wed on July the third


Mother of the Bride

“Are you free on this date, Mum?”
She sprung it on me thus.
“Save the date!” She texted me.
“But please don’t make a fuss.”

I’m going to be a mum-in-law,
much sooner than I thought.
The big day is three months away,
and my dress is far too taut.

I’ll have to start my diet now
and stop eating big meals.
A shame; I’ve grown quite fond of them.
More salad, now, I feels.

It didn’t even cross my mind,
not even a little, “maybe”
Do you think that I should ask…
“Are you going to have a baby?”?

I’m sure she’s not, for they just got
a gorgeous little pup.
I wonder if they’ve mentioned her
in their legal pre-nup.

Perhaps I’m thinking far too much
about their biggest day.
I’ll just relax until it’s time
to give my girl away.

“No mayonnaise, thank you.”